Opening Up My Heart to the Force

Sometimes I sit in my room by the window at night just watching and waiting for the for stars to come out. Sometimes I feel like I don't belong her even though I'm Sailor Dantooine and I have to defend my planet. Everyone is so nice to me, and I have a daughter and grandson in the future, which I can't wait for, even though my daughter and grandson already came from the future and I have already met them. Yoda tells me I need to mediate more on my feelings because anger, hate, fear, and jealousy can all lead to the Dark Side.

Sometimes I get angry because I can never feel like I can do anything good enough like some of the other Sailor Scouts can. I don't know why I don't think I'm good enough even though everyone tells me I am, and I even proved it more than once. I feel I won't be strong enough when the fall of the Jedi happens, and I know I must be strong for them and the Sailor Scouts. I need to prove to myself I can do it. I hate it that I don't even know how to use a lightsaber, although I can get Obi-Wan or Anakin to teach me how to use one. But, speaking of Obi-Wan, I get jealous of Annika and him because they have a loving, strong, caring, understanding, and amazing relationship. Sometimes I wish I had that kind of relationship with someone. I know one day I will meet my future husband, but I don't know when that will be, and my daughter can't tell me when and who her father is because she can't change the future, and if she does tell me, the future could be changed, which I really don't want that to happen, but I know how she feels - she wants to tell me but she can't. It's an oath she has taken, and I honor that oath too.

My fears are that I will never be good enough. I have mediated on this more then once, and I have also release my fears, anger, hate, and jealousy into the Force more than once. I need to trust in the Force that it will guide me to my destiny. Even though the only person who knows how I feel is Master Yoda, I know that I should share it with the other Sailor Scouts so they know, and maybe they can help me deal with it, even though I have to deal with it more myself. They can only listen and give me advice - they can not deal with it.

I've wished more than once upon a star that I would not fall to the Dark Side. Obi-Wan has told me what had happened to his Master by a Sith, and my heart want out to him because Obi-Wan loved Qui-Gon as a father and he was like a father to Obi-Wan. Most of the Jedi don't know who their family is because they were brought to the Temple at an early age - the youngest was eighteen months old, Master Yoda had told me - and the Jedi are like family to each other. I know that I should share my feelings with someone, but who should I share my feelings with - my daughter, Annika, Nom, Obi-Wan, Xarae, Anakin, or my grandson? I feel I should share my feelings with all the Sailor Scouts, but how would they react to my feelings? I know Annika is the Senshi of Love, so she might understand the jealousy. Xarae would understand too because she can't not be with her true love Khameir until her time is up; she loves Maul with all her heart, and he loves her.

But mostly I feel lonely. I made a few friends but they don't feel like close friends or even family yet. I need to give it time, and maybe in a couple of months, when I spend more time getting to know them without having to run off every so often defending the innocent, even though it's our duty and honor to defend them since they can't defend themselves. In my heart I know I was meant to be a Sailor Scout, but I still am not letting the Force guide me. Maybe I'm afraid of the Force to find out what's going to happen in the future, but Master Yoda tells me that our paths keep changing - even when the Force leads us down one path, it will lead us down another. The Force is always in motion and is always changing.

That's what I need to do - release my fear of the Force into the Force, and it will guide me down the right path. I would go and meditate on it in a little while, but now the stars are coming out in the sky, and I love to watch them. Oh, wow... a shooting star. My mom always told me that it was rare to see a shooting star, and if you did, you should make a wish. I will do that - I wish that I was not afraid of the Force, that it will guide me in all its wisdom like Master Yoda has guided me in all his wisdom.

Well I should go and mediate now, and I will, but I'm making an oath to the Force that I will tell all the Sailor Scouts about my fears, my jealousy, my anger, and my hatred. I know they will understand because they are my family now, and I can never go home again. I need to share my life with my family - all my dreams, all my pain, all my suffering, all my hopes, and all my secrets. I know I can do this, and I will do this first thing in the morning so I can get it off of my chest. It pains me to see myself like this, but I know I will be better, and I promise not just for daughter, my grandson, the Jedi, or the Sailor Scouts but also for myself - that I will not turn to the Dark Side, and if I feel like I'm falling to the Dark Side, I will tell everyone so they can help me stay on the Light Side. I know in my heart I can stay on the Light Side, and I will do it, even if it kills me. I can not and will not fall to the Dark Side.

I must defend Dantooine and defend for honor, justice, love, and peace. We all need to bring honor, justice, love, and peace to every planet no matter what, and I will do my part to uphold it. And I would like to learn how to use a lightsaber, so I should either ask Obi-Wan or Anakin to teach me. Plus I know someday I will met my true love and we will form a lifebond together, and until that day I will wait for it to come. And when that day comes, I will not be lonely anymore. But the Force will guide me, and I will let it guide me and my life, which I'm going to mediate on it right now.