Bakuran Rain

No planet has rain like Bakura. I know I say that about all planets... but somehow Bakura is special. There's a constant drizzle here that keeps everything moist and fresh. All the leaves of the planets drip with excess water that would be worth a fortune on Tatooine. The planet is beautiful in its extravagance.

Besides, Bakura is the planet of love.

Love... now there's a thought. The most pointless of emotions. Wasteful, weakening... it's right up there with Destiny on my list. And - just my luck - I have to deal with both of them.

That's one of the reasons I was out in Annika's rain. Her planet seemed to sigh with me and drape misty rain around my body. Somehow, the gentle, inviting rain made all my troubles wash away.

I sat there, in the misting rain forever, it seemed. I could see the water gather on flowers that had colors more vibrant than any had a right to be. Like I said earlier, the planet was beautiful in its extravagance.

Unfortunately, I could also see into the palace window. Silhouetted there was a girl with buns in her hair. Odango, the Earthborns called them. I could tell she was getting ready to come out to my rain-cloaked sanctuary... sithspit. I just wanted to be alone. I just wanted to get... sorted out.

See... there's this guy. Named Kousotsu. Sometime long ago, his past-self and my past-self (who was a princess, if you can imagine that) were lovers. I didn't know that until recently when he risked his life to save me. To save... me. I'm the one most unworthy of being saved.

And there was something when he held me that day. Like a memory, only more intense. Like... like something brushed against my soul and sent shivers up my spine.

That was just before he kissed me. Well, I suppose to be honest, it was mutual.

Sure, I'd been kissed before. By countless people. It's not like it was anything unique for a highly-placed mercenary to do... manizing, I suppose you could say. No, nothing like that. Any rumors involving the Hawkbat sleeping around are just that. Nasty rumors that I started to separate myself from... well, myself. And sometimes, keeping up appearances is important.

So I know what the physical actions of love are but... I don't know what love is. Real love. The abuse life has given me has all but destroyed what capacity I may have once had for love.

What's really funny is that sometimes it's like a memory. Like I'm remembering a feeling I should have for Kousotsu. Remembering something from a long time ago that has no bearing on today. Remembering something buried inside of me that I have no control over. I hate not being in control.

"You're going to catch cold."

That wasn't Annika's voice. Unless, of course, Annika had been taking lessons from a Wookiee. I turned to look. Standing in the misty rain - just as I had almost feared - was Kousotsu. I don't know what emotions my face reflected, but a million were passing behind it. Anger, annoyance, surprise, joy, weariness... just to name a few. Maybe I was even afraid. Sith, I hate not being in control.

"Do... do you want to go in?" he asked, sounding unsure.

I settled myself back on the bench. "No." There was a pause. "I like it out here."

"It's raining."

"I know," I told him, a little annoyed. "I love the rain. It's refreshing... it makes me feel clean."

He seemed to process that for a minute. "Can I sit down?"

I'm sure that's how normal girlfriends and boyfriends act. Ugh. It sounds wrong, even in my mind. This whole charade doesn't seem real. "Sure." I moved over a little so he'd have more room. Oh - that's another thing that bothers me. I hate being touched. Usually.

"Look," he sighed after a few moments. "I'm sorry about everything that's happened. It doesn't seem real sometimes."

That brought a smile to my face. "Well, that's one thing we've got in common."

He looked confused, so I decided to enlighten him. "It doesn't seem real to me, either. Like a dream. Or... a nightmare, sometimes."

"Really?" He seemed surprised. "But you've lived in this all your life." He indicated the world with his hand.

I closed my eyes and sighed. "No. Not like this." I guess the pain I was feeling inside showed on my face because he put a hand on my shoulder. I did my best not to flinch... but...

"You know... this isn't going to work if you won't trust me," Kousotsu said softly. I could hear the raindrops crescendoing around us as if they were agreeing. Maybe they were. Who knows?

Besides, I had to admit he was right. Nothing was going to ever happen between us if I didn't let go of my appearances. But I was... scared. Me! The Hawkbat, the woman who feared nothing... I was scared. "I can't..." I didn't get any farther than that as my eyes locked on his crystal blue orbs. I hadn't realized they were so beautiful...

The rain suddenly fell on us, harder in a pounding Bakuran thunderstorm. I shook my head, sending water flying. "I don't know how," I confessed, hurting. I'd never really had to totally trust anyone. There was always an element of mistrust in all of my dealings.

"It's all right," he told me. Gently, he put his arms around me and pulled me close. I was surprised that I let him. Frankly, I was surprised at most of this. I didn't know anything about love and here was someone asking that of me.

I looked up into his eyes and searched them, desperately. I couldn't find anything in him, save for acceptance. "You don't even know me," I said, my voice quietly desperate. "You don't know who I've been or what I've done or the evil things that I've been."

He shrugged. "It doesn't matter. I'll take the good in you with the bad. It's part of who you are."

"But I don't think you know how much bad you're getting."

I turned away and freed myself. Standing up, I began to walk out into the rain.

"Priire..." he said.

My name spilling off his lips was like an intoxicating spell. I turned back to him and looked for a moment. He was silhouetted in the rain against the light-colored palace wall. The distance between us was so short that he could have reached out and taken my arm, if he'd wanted to... but he didn't. He let me walk off.

It's times like this that I wish I knew what love was.