Color Me Beautiful

Shitsuren awoke suddenly. He opened his eyes to the dark, unfamiliar room. Shitsuren began to panic as he realized he recognized nothing and had no idea how or when he got here. He squirmed a little bit and took a deep breath to clam himself. The blue-haired stranger sleeping beside him in the large bed stirred, and Shitsuren's heart began to race again. He tried to get out of the bed, but for some reason his body was too exhausted to do so. His stomach burned with an unfamiliar pain.

"Shitsuren?" Shitsuren jumped and looked wide-eyed at his sleeping companion. "Shitsuren! You're alive!" The man threw himself on top of Shitsuren and began to kiss him up and down his neck. "Are you hurt?" The man took Shitsuren's face in his hands and looked into his lavender eyes. Shitsuren did not respond. He was too confused to even speak, so he instead just stared with bewilderment into the man's deep blue orbs. The man tore the black silk sheets from off of Shitsuren's nude body, revealing a not-so-healthy looking gash in his stomach. Shitsuren gasped. No wonder he couldn't move. The man put his large hand over the wound and looked up at Shitsuren. "It worked..." He whispered to himself.

"Who... who are you? Where am I? What happened to me?" Shitsuren stuttered.

"I think the question here is who are YOU?" the man said in response.

"My name is Shitsuren..."

"And?"

"And..." He paused. "And I..." He was Shitsuren. And that was all he knew. Panic set in again, and Shitsuren felt himself flush with heat.

"Shitsuren, I'm sorry... I had to do it, or else you would have been killed." The strangely handsome blue-haired man looked lovingly into Shitsuren's eyes.

"What did you do to me?!?" Shitsuren said loudly.

"I will tell you all in due time. For now, let's get that wound patched up."

The deep-blue-haired man gathered fluffy towels from the corner of the large, decadent bathing room as Shitsuren sat in the steaming tub.

"My name is Destiny," he said as he kneeled beside the tub. Shitsuren eyed him uncomfortably and wrapped his arms around himself. "You are in my realm."

"Your... realm?" Shitsuren asked, looking at Destiny. He nodded.

"In... well, I guess you could call it... a sort of subspace." Shitsuren didn't even try to understand. "It's kinda like heaven."

"I'm dead?"

"No," Destiny said. Shitsuren sighed. "In the beginning, when the universe was created, a kind of force was born... it was called Destiny. It was made to be everything that is destined to happen, it is all knowledge, it is the heartbeat of life. Destiny knows all; Destiny makes the future. It is because of Destiny that we all are here, that the sun will rise every morning, that the seasons come and go... There is... no other way to describe it."

"I... think I understand..."

"Good. Well, I am the personification of this Force. I am here to relay Destiny to mortals, and to the Masters, who make sure Destiny is carried out." Shitsuren gave Destiny an odd look. "Do you believe me?"

"I... don't see why not.." Shitsuren gazed into the bath water. "Are you a god, then?"

"Yes. And so were you." Shitsuren looked up at Destiny.

"I... was?"

"Yes. You were a Master. You were Master21. You guarded the Ninteenth Gate of Destiny, the gate to death and the Paradises. You determined who was ready for death, and who had destiny to fulfill and had to return to life. You were immortal, until you broke the vows you took... and I had a choice... to either kill you, and erase you from time... or to erase all your memories and strip you of your immortality. I chose the latter."

"Why?" Shitsuren asked. Destiny did not respond. "Why didn't you kill me?" Destiny averted his eyes from Shitsuren's prying gaze.

"It's not important. Lets go get something to eat, okay?" Destiny smiled at Shitsuren.

Shitsuren picked at his food. He felt very removed. Like he was a shell of a person. He had no personality left. He had no life. Literally. How could he eat at a time like this? He stared at the soup.

"Shitsuren..." Destiny set down his fork. "I know it's all overwhelming... But you have to survive somehow. You're mortal now. You can't let your feelings overcome you... You can't let yourself do things you'll regret."

"I'm not going to kill myself." He swirled his finger in the soup in front of him.

"Shitsuren... I know it's a daunting task... but you need to rebuild yourself. You need to build yourself a new life." Destiny watched Shitsuren as he took his finger from the soup and watched the thick fluid drip off of it.

"Why did you erase my memory again?"

"I can't tell you. All I can say is that you broke your vow."

"Right... Do I have any family?" Shitsuren asked.

"I'm sorry. I can't say," Destiny said sadly. "You cannot become your old self under any circumstances. So... I cannot tell you anything about your past life..." Shitsuren was silent. "Shitsuren... I..."

"Can I get some sleep someplace?" Shitsuren asked. Destiny nodded sadly.

"Come... I have a bedroom for you."

The light from the hallway was quickly extinguished as Destiny shut the door to Shitsuren's bedroom. The inky darkness, black and midnight, poured out from the corners of the room. It was pitch black. There were windows... but outside was only darkness. He realized that he didn't even know what the room looked like. But he wasn't nervous. Was this normal? Feeling indifferent to unfamiliar darkness? Shitsuren stared at the ceiling and thought about his situation. He was a god. He broke his vows. His memory was erased.

What was he do to next, then? Live here, in heaven or where ever he was... with Destiny? Build a new life, a new personality... how was he supposed to go about doing that? How does one build himself? Maybe he could just kill himself. It would be easier, for sure.

Shitsuren sat at the long dining table, finishing up the last of his black raspberry ice cream. Destiny was on the balcony in the next room, sitting on a short love seat and watching the stars in the sky. Shitsuren eyed him over the rim of the bowl as he sipped the melted ice cream from the bottom. His eyes couldn't help but roam over Destiny's body. Even if he had wanted to stop looking at him, he wouldn't be able to. His long, feminine legs, in the overly shiny leather pants, seemed to draw him in like a moth to a flame.

"Shitsuren." Destiny called out for him. "Come here for a moment." Shitsuren quickly put down his bowl and wiped the ice cream from his lips before going to where Destiny sat.

"What is it?" Shitsuren asked. Destiny motioned for him to sit down. He did so.

"I was just wondering... How was your ice cream?" Shitsuren was shocked at the unusual question.

"Well, very good.... I guess. I don't remember ever having ice cream before, so I have nothing to compare it to."

"I've never had that kind, that you had. What does it taste like?" Destiny asked him, looking out at the stars. Shitsuren giggled a bit at the casual conversation and the seriousness in Destiny's voice.

"Well... it tastes very fruity. Like berries. And it smells nice too."

"Hmm... I can smell it on your breath." Destiny turned to look at Shitsuren, his eyes glittering in the light of the stars. He smiled. Shitsuren got that sick feeling again, the one where it felt like his insides were floating. He jumped when he felt Destiny's long fingers brush against his leg. His eyes went wide as Destiny leaned closer to him. "Does the flavor linger on your tongue?" Shitsuren nodded. "Can I taste it?" Without even waiting for Shitsuren's reply, Destiny placed his lips onto his. Shitsuren jumped slightly when he felt their lips touch, but Destiny wouldn't let him pull away from the kiss. His fingers wound in the back of Shitsuren's hair, intertwining with his shoulder-length, purple locks. Overcome by Destiny's force and the weight of his body, Shitsuren had to dig his fingers into the soft fabric of the love seat to keep from falling over. A part of him wanted to let go and let his hands creep and crawl over Destiny's body, feel his defined muscles under the light silk shirt he wore, fall over and let Destiny lower him to the cushions... But there was something stopping him, a kind of nervousness, a kind of fear, a definite apprehensiveness; the kind you get when you do something for the first time, not quite sure if you should be doing it, and not quite sure if it is right or wrong.

Shitsuren pushed Destiny away.

"You taste like heaven, Shitsuren."

"Now, Shitsuren... Xarae is going to try to get you to remember her. Don't pay any mind to it. She just wants you to come back to her," Destiny said as he walked, arm in arm, with Shitsuren, into the Jedi Temple.

"Okay..." Shitsuren swallowed hard. He was quite nervous. He didn't want to be, he knew he shouldn't... but he was. Nervousness... he thought. That is a personality trait, isn't it? Destiny had told him all about Xarae the night before. Her life (spare the details about him), her brushes with death and Destiny, her being the Phoenix...

"Don't be worried, Shitsuren. Xarae may look intimidating, but she is a good person," Destiny reassured.

The two entered the elegantly lush room that Destiny had arranged to meet Xarae in. Shitsuren sat down at one of the chairs, and Destiny stood, sniffing the flowers that were hanging around the room. He drummed his fingers on the arm of the chair he sat in. The moments they stood there seemed like forever. He wanted to get this over with, suddenly. Soon, they heard the door hiss open.

"Xarae." Destiny bowed slightly to the silhouette of the long-haired woman at the door. She was visibly shocked at what she saw inside.

"Shitsuren...?" She put her hand over her mouth and began to tremble. "Shitsuren? Is that you?" Shitsuren stood up.

"You must be Xarae." He looked at the woman in the doorway. Dark skin and hair, deep blue eyes, a small but beautifully proportioned body... not bad, he determined. He did not desire her, however. "The Phoenix?"

"You... Shitsuren, you don't remember me?" Xarae took a step forwards, her hands clasped over her heart. Shitsuren's eyes widened.

"Destiny, you didn't tell her?" Shitsuren asked. Destiny shook his head.

"Xarae, Shitsuren does not remember anything about his past life. He has been reborn as a mortal," Destiny said. Xarae was taken aback.

"That... that can't be true! Shitsuren, you can't remember me?" Shitsuren shook his head sadly. "Destiny! Bastard! What did you do to him?" Xarae pounced on Destiny, taking the collar of his shirt in her fists.

"I did nothing. This is what had to happen."

"You lie!! You are tricking him!" Shitsuren hung his head as Xarae yelled at Destiny.

"He is not! I am who I am now, he isn't tricking me," Shitsuren said.

"He IS! He only is doing this so he can take advantage of you! I know this man, he is nothing but evil!" She looked at Shitsuren. "Don't you remember?" Shitsuren felt so horrible. Why hadn't Destiny TOLD her?? If he had known she didn't know about his new life, he would never have gone. He didn't want to hurt anyone...

"Xarae, calm yourself..."

"Be quiet Destiny!" She threw Destiny away from her. "Shitsuren, he is taking advantage of you!! Please, stay here, with us!! Don't you remember Goukai? Daini? Don't you remember? Don't go with him! We need you, and you need us!"

"No, I can't. I..." He paused. Should he say it, in front of Destiny? "I love him. I can't leave him." A quiet filled the room. Both Destiny and Xarae stared at Shitsuren, who buried his head in his chest. "I can't..."

"Shitsuren..." Xarae whispered. "Shitsuren, no, don't say that. Don't love him, he will never love you back..." Shitsuren didn't respond. "Please, stay here. You belong with me. I can take care of you." Shitsuren felt tears trickle down his cheeks. He didn't want to...

"He belongs to me!" Destiny said. "He loves me, then let him stay!"

Shitsuren couldn't believe this. They were arguing over him like he was an object. He stood there for well over five or ten minutes, listening to them argue over who was right, who should take care of him... Couldn't he take care of himself? Why weren't they asking what HE wanted? He wasn't a child - he was an adult, not an experiment or an object.

"Come, Shitsuren, we're going back to the hotel."

Shitsuren buried his head in the hotel's not-so-fluffy pillows. He was crying loudly, but he didn't care. Destiny could probably hear him from the other room, but he didn't care. He just... didn't care. Why did this have to happen? Why couldn't I die? Or stay the person I was? The person that everyone loved and was happy with? He bawled into the pillow. I can't be him anymore! I can't be the old Shitsuren! I can't remember him, I am who I am, and I can't be someone I'm not!

"And I'm tired of being treated like an OBJECT!" Shitsuren sat up and threw the pillow at the wall. "I'm a PERSON!" He jumped from the bed and tore the sheets from it in anger. I'm a person! When will they realize that? I'm have a personality, I have a heart, I can be hurt! And I can choose for myself! I don't need to be protected like a CHILD! "I'm NOT a CHILD!" He kicked the small bedside table, and it tottered over, spilling the contents to the floor. "I don't BELONG to ANYONE but MYSELF!" I'm don't belong to the Phoenix! I am my OWN person! Who is she to say who I should be, what I should act like?? Infuriated, Shitsuren used his strong arms to flip the round steel table near the window. The small suitcase that Destiny had packed for him fell to the floor, and all his clothes and whatnot fell out. To Shitsuren's surprise, a blaster skidded across the floor and hit the leg of the bed. Shitsuren walked to it and looked down at the glistening black metal. Why should I live if my life will never be acknowledged? I will never be a person. He reached down and picked the blaster up. Tears streaming down his face, Shitsuren pointed the weapon to his own temple. He jumped as the cold steel touched his scalp. Why should I live when all I am to anyone is an object? A prize? He will never love me like a person! He will always see me as something to take care of... He gritted his teeth. Why didn't I do this in the beginning? Why didn't I put myself out of my misery in the beginning? I should have known... I would never be able to make it...

"Shitsuren? What's..." Destiny opened the door between the two rooms, coming to investigate the noise. He stopped in his tracks when he saw the lavender-eyed man in the center of the room. "SHITSUREN!" The aforementioned man closed his eyes, squeezing tears from them. "Shitsuren, just put it down... please..." Destiny took a step closer. Shitsuren fell to his knees.

"No... I can't..."

"Shitsuren, please, don't do this, you can't die now..." Destiny took another step, his bare feet and long silk pants making quiet noises on the carpet. "You have to live... if not for your own sake, then for mine. Please, don't do this to me, Shitsuren..." Shitsuren's hand began to shake, and the blaster rattled. "Shitsuren..." Destiny took a deep breath. "Shitsuren... please... I love you." With this, a silence fell over the hotel room. The only sound to be heard was Shitsuren's ragged breathing. "Don't, Shitsuren..."

"Destiny." The blaster made a loud clank as it hit the floor.

"Shitsuren!" Destiny rushed to Shitsuren and embraced him tightly. "Shitsuren..." Shitsuren began to cry again, burying his face in Destiny's long blue hair.

"I love you too... I love you too..."

"Shitsuren... I'm so sorry... I'm sorry I made you like this, I'm sorry I didn't erase you in the first place, I let my feelings for you blind me. I shouldn't have done it. I shouldn't have argued with Xarae. I shouldn't have even BROUGHT you here, I knew from the beginning that it would only hurt you..." Shitsuren grasped tightly onto him, digging his fingers into his bare back. Destiny let him cry the rest of his tears before lifting him up and laying him back on the bed. He took a sheet from the floor and draped it over Shitsuren.

"You should get some rest. I can stay with you, if you'd like..." Destiny said. Shitsuren nodded at him and began to cry again.

"I'm so sorry..."

"Don't apologize. It's my fault you feel like this... I should have seen this earlier, I shouldn't have meddled... Shitsuren... I'll always be here for you, I'll always care for you, no matter what..."

"I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry..."

"Shitsuren..."

"Destiny, accept my apology, please..." Destiny looked at him sadly.

"Only..." He leaned forward and kissed Shitsuren lightly on the head. "...If you'll accept mine."

"Destiny, I..."

"Shitsuren..." Destiny crawled onto the bed and laid himself on top of the other man. He put his lips to Shitsuren's ear. "Shitsuren... do you trust me?" Shitsuren shivered as Destiny's deep, velvety, masculine voice soothed him.

"Yes, of course I trust you..."

"No, I mean..." Destiny paused and lifted his head to look into Shitsuren's eyes. "Do you TRUST me?"

"I trust you," Shitsuren whispered back breathlessly. He didn't even have to think of his anwser.

"Shitsuren, wake up." Destiny lightly shook the sleeping man. Shitsuren stirred a bit before opening his eyes.

"Destiny." He smiled at his lover.

"You need to get up," Destiny said harshly, getting up and walking across the room. Shitsuren frowned, then noticed with much dismay that the blue-haired man was already dressed.

"Are we late for something? Why didn't you wake me when you woke up?" Shitsuren asked, sitting up. Destiny didn't answer him, but instead threw some clothes into his lap. "Where..."

"Listen, Shitsuren..." Destiny turned away from him and faced the wall. "I think we should forget that last night even happened." Shitsuren's heart jumped.

"What?"

"I want us to forget it."

"But..." Shitsuren felt a knot form in his throat. He couldn't believe this was happening. "But you told me you loved me."

"I lied," Destiny snapped. He shut closed a suitcase with a loud clank. Shitsuren began to panic.

"But... You said... I thought..."

"You thought wrong. Now come on, we have to be out of here by eleven." With that, Destiny opened the door and left.

Shitsuren was stunned. What had just happened?

I should have known... I should have realized he was tricking me... Shitsuren stared at his feet as he stood in the refresher. His arms hung at his sides. Water ran down his chest and back and dripped from the locks of his wet hair. I shouldn't have given in like that... He clenched his fists. And now I'm right back to where I was yesterday. With no one caring about me, no one loving me, and no one to live for... And now he knows I love him, and he doesn't care... He doesn't care. He only wants my body. Shitsuren didn't let himself cry. He turned off the water and stood there, head hung, water dripping from his body. I kept myself alive for so all this time for someone I had no chance with... I stopped myself yesterday because I thought he... Shitsuren squeezed his eyes shut. I will never believe again.

Shitsuren stared out at the bustling lanes of Coruscant. His head rested against the window of the hoverbus, bumping into the glass whenever they stopped. Destiny sat beside him, silently looking ahead. Shitsuren felt oddly stripped. Torn, broken, abused, guilty, a flood of emotions swirling around within him, mixing themselves up until he could no longer tell them apart. Destiny didn't love him. He never would. And he felt... empty again. As if something had been torn out of him. And if that something was all he had. Before today, he had known of his love for Destiny, but never really acknowledged it to himself. It was now, sitting next to him, a unnerving tenseness between them, that he finally acknowledged it. After all, how could one have their heart broken, if they never had a heart to begin with?

How did he get into this? How did this all happen? Shitsuren had no answers. Thousands of questions, millions of problems, and no solutions.

Shitsuren gazed outside. The bright glimmer of Coruscant was grey to his bloodshot eyes. Grey... a cold, unfeeling grey. Maybe, when he stepped from the bus, he would fall, into grey... cold grey sand. And there he could drown. But then, how could one drown, if he is already dead?

"Shitsuren." Shitsuren felt Destiny's eyes bore into his back. Those eyes... those eyes that he both wanted to kiss closed and tear out with his fingernails. Those eyes, both a Caribbean blue and... that grey. That unending, void-like grey... "Shitsuren, we're at the Temple."

Shitsuren flinched away from the sunlight as he stepped out into it. Why couldn't the sky reflect his heart? Why did everything around him flaunt its happiness like a new coat? Shitsuren gasped when he felt Destiny's fingers intertwine themselves with his. His heart skipped a beat, but then he looked into his eyes. They showed nothing more than they did that morning.

Destiny took a firm grasp onto Shitsuren's hand, and they walked arm-in-arm into the Jedi Temple.

Xarae took a sip of her tea. She looked over the rim of her cup at Shitsuren. He sat, hunched over, his legs pressed together in a gesture of fright or shyness. Or perhaps he was protecting himself. Her eyes followed the outline of Shitsuren's thin yet strong body to his hands. They were being held protectively by Destiny.

"Destiny..." she began. "Could I... have some time alone with Shitsuren?" She smiled her beautiful, entrancing smile, and Destiny nodded.

"Of course." He gave Shitsuren a look before letting go of him and walking away. Shitsuren watched him walk away.

"Shitsuren," Xarae whispered, once Destiny was out of hearing range. "What is wrong?" Shitsuren straightened. "Did he touch you? What did he do to you?" Shitsuren didn't have to say a word. Before he could, he felt her. He felt her presence in his memories, as he unwillingly relived the past twenty-four hours.

"Please, I thought..."

"Shitsuren!! Why did you trust him? He..." She stopped to close her eyes. "I knew it from the moment you arrived with him! I KNEW his only intentions were to take advantage of you! He's nothing but a... a leech!! He doesn't love you!"

"I KNOW!" Shitsuren clenched his teeth. "I didn't know then..."

"I'm so sorry Shitsuren..."

"I TRUSTED him..."

"I know you did... Shitsuren, I know you are capable of overcoming this..."

"YOU try falling out of love with someone!" He looked up at her with muddy eyes, brimming with tears. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"Okay. We don't have to right now. But I want to... later. I want you to come down and talk to me, every week, at least." She smiled slightly. "And I want to know more about you." Shitsuren smirked.

"Okay." He stood up. "I'm leaving."

Shitsuren laid in his bed in Destiny's realm, staring again at the ceiling. I guess I am just a child... I am the Phoenix's child, and Destiny's experiment. Oh, no, I can't take care of myself. I must have someone look over me. Once a week, at least... Wouldn't want you be taken advantage of...

"Too bad it's too late," he whispered. He closed his eyes and swallowed hard, trying to hold back tears. How could he get out of this? He couldn't. He COULDN'T. He couldn't wish himself out of love with Destiny. He would always love him. He hoped. Shitsuren didn't want to not love him. He was afraid of life without these feelings.

And no one understood.

Two weeks later...

"You know, Shitsuren, that dress looks absolutely... delectable on you." Destiny smiled mischievously across the table at the lavender-haired man in the purple princess dress. "You're my little princess, don't you know?"

"Of course I am."

"A beautiful little princess..."

"Of course." Shitsuren smiled at Destiny, who smiled warmly back.

"And every little princess needs her prince. Her knight in shining armor... To rescue her. And to... devote himself to her. No?"

"Of course." Destiny giggled insanely at Shitsuren's answer.

Destiny lay awake, Shitsuren in his arms, sleeping soundly.

"Such a beautiful little boy..." He stroked his lavender hair. "My beautiful little boy." Shitsuren began to stir, and Destiny kissed his forehead. "Do not wake, my child, sleep."

"Mmm..." Shitsuren moaned and opened his eyes.

"Go back to sleep." Destiny looked into his eyes and laid a finger on his lips. "My beautiful boy, go to sleep. Your body needs its rest." Shitsuren smiled slightly and closed his eyes again. "Shitsuren, before you sleep..."

"Yes?"

"Are you happy?" Shitsuren was shocked at his tender question.

"Yes. You make me so."

"And you I."

Goukai approached his mother, who was sitting in a leather chair in the reading room of the Room Behind the Waterfall.

"Mom?" Xarae looked up from her staring into space and smiled at her son. "Oh, I'm sorry, were you meditating?" Goukai apologized.

"No, Goukai. I was just thinking." Goukai's usually smiling face contorted into a frown.

"About Dad?"

"Yes." Xarae sighed. "I am not sure what is going to happen to him. He loves Destiny, and I know he will not stop loving him and would do anything to make him happy... And all Destiny wants is to take advantage of him. He only wants your father for his body... And if Shitsuren is willing to give himself to Destiny..." Xarae stopped. "I don't know what will become of him. He is trapped in a one-sided love." Goukai did not say anything, but apologized to his mother. "It's okay, Goukai. It..." She closed her eyes. "...is not your fault." She forced her words out like fire. She hated lying, especially to her children.

"Well... Do you want to spar with me?" Goukai smiled warmly at Xarae, who returned a half-hearted grin.

"Of course."

"Shitsuren, hold me." Destiny walked to the lavender-haired man, who took him in his arms. "It hurts..."

"It's okay..."

"Shitsuren, I want you to love me."

"I already do." He whispered into Destiny's ear. Destiny paused before responding.

"No! Not that. I don't care about that." Shitsuren felt his heart crack into two. "Let's go." Destiny pulled away and took Shitsuren by the arm.

"Shitsuren, you can't keep this up! Look at you! You are dying." Xarae was infuriated. "This is eating you up! You can't continue this!" She stood up and looked at the unmoving Shitsuren. He sat and stared at the floor with his pale eyes. "Why are you doing this? Why do you satisfy him when you know he is not feeling what you are?"

"I know I'm dying." What has happened to him? Xarae had never felt longing for something she couldn't have. She had always been loved back by the one she loved. She didn't understand about Shitsuren. The way that his desire had stagnated in his heart, bubbled and boiled, soured and fermented. She didn't understand the way his heart broke every time he watched Destiny above him and know he didn't mean it. The way he wanted to make Destiny happy, and was sacrificing his OWN happiness for it. The way he no longer cared about himself. The way his love took over his body. He was frail and his skin an alabaster white. Like powder. It seemed like if you were to touch him, he would fall over. And the makeup Destiny made him wear made him look even worse. He looked... dead.

"Shitsuren... He will never love you." Xarae calmly stated the sad truth.

"I know." Shitsuren didn't move. His eyes remained fixed on the floor, his legs pressed together as he leaned back into the chair.

"Shitsuren... why do you continue?" Xarae whispered.

"Because..." He sighed. "I live for those rare instances. I do not live for his cruelty to me. I do not live for the way he abuses me. I do not live for the way he takes advantage of me. I do not keep myself alive for the sunlight. I keep myself alive because of those times... when he will put his hand in mine, and let me grasp his. When he will kiss my closed eyes and tell me to sleep. When he will caress me in a manner... that cannot be replicated. I believe... that even though he cannot love me in the state he is in, that his godly persona blocks all feeling from his heart... that on the INSIDE, he can feel. He is a tortured soul, a mortal, trapped in this... eternal cage. He wants to feel. He loves me. The real him loves me. I know he does. And... this is why I live." Shitsuren ended and stood up. "I have to go. He wants me back..."

"Shitsuren."