|
|
"Kousotsu! Look at me! I'm broken, hurt! You're getting a defective model here." Frustrated, I tried to think of something else to say, but I couldn't. We'd... well, I'd been arguing. More with myself than Kousotsu. Finally, I just held out my hands, protesting. My hands... my scarred hands... gah, sometimes I'm so obsessed with my own scars. They remind me of who I was and how much of a potential there is for me to become her again. How many wrong things I've done... how evil I am... how unlovely I am...
He smiled at me. "I love you."
Why did that make it all better? It even made me smile. "You do, don't you."
I have to admit he looks cute when he's confused. He nodded, unsure exactly where I was going with this.
"But I'm not that great of a person," I complained again. "I'm not even very pretty."
He smiled at me, like he'd been doing the whole time. "That doesn't matter. Besides, I think you're beautiful."
I'm fairly sure I blushed. Not that I'm not used to guys telling me I'm beautiful... it's just usually in prelude to some type of lewd suggestion. He meant it. I smiled and leaned back against him. Just yesterday I would have been terrified out of my mind to be this close. It still scared me a little... but I'd made up my mind to trust him. I guess we aren't like most lovers.
"I... I can't make any promises," I whispered. "I don't know how."
I felt him playing with one of the braids my hair was braided into. "That's okay," he said, his breath warm on my cheek. "I don't need promises."
It was just right - coming to terms with this all on Bakura. The decadent gardens, dripping with a watery bounty, were the perfect backdrop for a forlorn mercenary and an out-of-place Jedi to fall in love. Or - for me at least - let go.
It's kind of funny, in a way. Before all of this, keeping to myself and not letting anyone close was my only means of survival... now it's all different. Now I can't do anything without thinking of Kousotsu. I think about how he'd react and even - get this! - what he'd think of me for doing it! Me! Worried about what someone might think, especially a guy. It seems ridiculous.
Most of this I can't even believe. That someone... anyone would love me, even thought I'm so imperfect and so ugly sometimes? I guess I don't understand. I wonder if I ever will.
And I wonder if we'll ever "have a song" like most lovers do. If we ever do, then I want "You're My Home". It's a Billy Joel song... he's an Earth singer. Coru gets me records from Earth every once and a while. "When look into my eyes and you see the crazy gypsy in my soul, it always comes as a surprise when I feel my withered roots begin to grow. Well, I never had a place I could call my very own, but that's all right, my love, because you're my home."
Now that I know what I've been missing, I think I'd die without it. It's almost like a drug. I can't get enough and just thinking about him makes me glow. I can't promise that I'll always be true - because I don't know how - but I'll give this crazy trip my all. And somehow... I think that's good enough.
