And You Thought Gotham Was Screwed Up Already...

(Our two caped Senshi, Batwoman and Robin, arrive at the scene of the crime only to discover they were too late...)

ROBIN
"Holy Jedi hanging upside down from a Wampa's cave, Batwoman! Two-face is gone!"

BATWOMAN
(in a gruff voice) "Wait Robin... let me make sure with the BATvillian finder..."

ROBIN
"Holy Odangoes on my head, Batwoman! Do you think they could still be around?"

(All of a sudden the JOKER, MS. RIDDLER, and the CATWOMAN run across in back of our heroes. After a moment, the penguin comes waddling after them.)

BATWOMAN
Nope. They're nowhere around here.

ROBIN
(pointing off screen) Holy porkchops on a stick, Batwoman! Look!

BATWOMAN
(goes over and picks up a green envelope with a black question mark on it) Holy smokes! It's Ms. Riddler!

ROBIN
Hey! I say the "holys''! It's my gimmick!

BATWOMAN
This is more important, Chibi wonder! Something tells me Kiji Two-face and Ms. Riddler have yet again joined forces!

ROBIN
(gasps) What does it say?

BATWOMAN
Probably some cryptic message dreamed up by Ms. Riddler's genius mind. (opens the envelope) (reads all mysteriously-like) Why did the chicken cross the road?

ROBIN
What does it mean?

BATWOMAN
We'd better get to the Batcave and analyze this.

(INT: THE BATCAVE)

ROBIN
I still say we should call it the Robincave.

BATWOMAN
Robins don't live in caves.

ROBIN
Oh sure! Get technical on me!

(enter NOM)

NOM
Can I be of service, master Bruce?

BATWOMAN
Who's Bruce?

NOM
He's Batman... Oops... I'm not supposed to reveal that.

BATWOMAN
Great! Next thing you'll tell me is that there's a BatGIRL!

NOM
Well, actually -

BATWOMAN
Never mind! Let's just figure this out. Why did the chicken cross the road?

NOM
To get the the other side, I presume.

BATWOMAN
That's just what they want us to think!

ROBIN
Why did the chicken cross the road? This riddle is a joke!

BATWOMAN
Holy moly! I think you've got something, Robin! Joke - the Joker!

ROBIN
I told you! I do the Holys!

BATWOMAN
Yeah yeah yeah... let's just get on with this. Let's see... Chicken... a chicken is a bird... and a penguin is a bird!

ROBIN
So is a chickadee.

BATWOMAN
I think you're missing the point. Now... what else...

ROBIN
Well, a chicken has a beak...

BATWOMAN
Not if you break it off.

ROBIN
Oh. Right. And someone would have to be pretty cold to do that.

BATWOMAN
Of course! Cold! Freeze! Mrs. Freeze!

ROBIN
Holy muppets on Dagobah, Batwoman! This is turning out to be a gathering gaggle of gruesome no-gooders!

BATWOMAN
Yes... but let's see what else we can find before we start anything.

ROBIN
Cross the road... cross! Churches have crosses! Maybe the Pope is involved!

BATWOMAN
Err... I don't think so. Besides, it's used as a verb. Like in a black cat crossing your path. Wait! A black cat...

ROBIN
Catwoman!

BATWOMAN
And I just noticed something! If you take the word "road," take out the letters R, A and D, and add the letters P I S O N I V Y, you get...

ROBIN
Poison Ivy!

NOM
Two-face, Ms. Riddler, Mrs. Freeze, Catwoman, Poison Ivy, The Joker... That's quite a line up.

(INT: THE VILLIAN'S SECRET HIDEOUT)

MRS. FREEZE
(in crappy Austrian accent) Do you think it vill verk?

JOKER
Say, "Wally washed windows Wednesday while Wendy worked with weed whackers" three times fast.

MRS. FREEZE
Vall vashed vindows Vednesday vile Veeedy vooo - VHAT is the point of this?

JOKER
Oh, have a little fun, Freezy.

CATWOMAN
(snaps her whip) WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP! (rolls eyes) this is turning out to be a CATastrophy!

TWO-FACE
(hitting a gavel) WE WILL NOW BEGIN THE MEETING!

RIDDLER
When you say "we" do you mean you-we or us-we?

TWO-FACE
Us-we!

RIDDLER
You-we?

TWO-FACE
No! WE-WE!

RIDDLER
Well, if you have to go THAT bad, don't let us stop you.

(TWO-FACE throws the gavel at RIDDLER)

RIDDLER
(ducks) MISSED ME!

(TWO-FACE throws PENGUIN at RIDDLER)

RIDDLER
Missed again!

PENGUIN
Pen... guin...

POISON IVY
This would go a lot smoother if you had all agreed with MY plan...

MRS. FREEZE
Vich vas?

JOKER
WILL YOU STOP TALKING LIKE THAT?!

MRS. FREEZE
(in American accent) Sorry, it's part of my gimmick!

CATWOMAN
I thought you had the PURRfect gimmick before - why do you need the creepy accent?

POISON IVY
(sighs) (blows her pink love dust on them all)
(ALL look at her dreamily)
Now... as I was saying... We could get my plants to rule the world!

JOKER
(shaking off the effects of the dust) Not the plant thing again!

RIDDLER
Plant thing?

POISON IVY
I want to make evil man-eating plants that will take over the world!

RIDDLER
Do they sing?

POISON IVY
Umm... NOOOOOOO.

RIDDLER
Well, that's dumb.

TWO-FACE
We're not here to talk about that!!! We're here to form a plan that will once and for all get rid of Batwoman!

CATWOMAN
OOO! Sounds like the CAT'S MEOW!

MRS. FREEZE
What's the plan?

TWO-FACE
The greatest battle royale of the millenium!!!!! Which reminds me... (to RIDDLER) you DID remember to leave those caped senshi the directions to the battle field, didn't you?

RIDDLER
Um... sort of...

TWO-FACE
What do you mean, SORT OF?

RIDDLER
I punched it up a little... made it into a riddle. It's what I do, you know. Hence the name.

POISON IVY
What did you write?

RIDDLER
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"

CATWOMAN
Why?

RIDDLER
I told you, IT'S WHAT I DO!

CATWOMAN
No, I mean, why DID the chicken cross the road?

TWO-FACE
That's not the point!!! What does THAT have to do with us meeting them at the Gotham Stadium!

MRS. FREEZE
(grabbing MS. RIDDLER by the collar) Do you want me to COOL her down?

CATWOMAN
I was wrong... you sound more threatening with the accent.

TWO-FACE
No. We'll just have to lure Batwoman there...

JOKER
How?

TWO-FACE
I knew this might happen, so I thought it over. We'll kidnap billionare Magena Ryo!

JOKER
We've already done that! With billionare Bruce Wayne, remember?

TWO-FACE
Oh. Yeah.

MRS. FREEZE
Maybe we should just try and add in the paper...

TWO-FACE
We're in charge here!!! Now... we say we should put an add in the paper, any objections?
(Silence)
NO? Good. (hits the gavel on the table) Soon Batwoman will be no more! Mua ha ha ha!

(they ALL start laughing maniacally)

(INT: BATCAVE)

(BATWOMAN and ROBIN have powered down)

MAGENA
(turing on the Sith-a-dex) I think we should look at the profiles for each of the villains.

MELESSE
Why don't I ever get to use the Sith-a-dex? You don't trust me!

MAGENA
Of course I trust you!

MELESSE
I think you don't. I think you just saved me because Jabba the Hutt promised to give you Tatooine. I think you've been wearing that costume too much. I think -

MAGENA
I said I trusted you! Just so long as you don't touch anything... or use anything without my careful supervision... or -

MELESSE
Okay! Okay! Let's just get on with this...

MAGENA
Lesse....

SITH-A-DEX
Ms. Riddler. Mara Skywalker. A genius Senshi turned Sith with the power to confuse people with pointless riddles.

MELESSE
Doesn't sound like much of a power to me...

MAGENA
Don't underestimate her, though. Believe me, I've been fooled by her super brain many a time.

MELESSE
You mean like that time she was posing as a waitress at Burger King and gave you back thirty cents change when you gave her a twenty dollar bill for a three-dollar fifty-cent meal?

MAGENA
(clears her throat) Moving on...

SITH-A-DEX
Mara was changed into the evil Riddler after falling into a vat of fortune cookies.

MELESSE
I'm not even gonna ask...

MAGENA
Now...

SITH-A-DEX
Two-face. Gingitsune Kiji . Once a member of the High Council of the Galactic Senate when the evil Darth Sidious messed up while giving her some kind of tatoo on her face, causing her to have a split personality between a good Jedi Senshi and an evil Sith Lady.

MELESSE
AAAAAAAANND?

MAGENA
And?

MELESSE
And she kills YOU, my future mother, in the future at a dance competition!

MAGENA
Melesse, I am your mother?

MELESSE
Yeeess, that's why I joined you - so that together we could protect the universe as mother and daugther!

MAGENA
Oh.

NOM
I thought Two-face fell into a vat of nickels.

MAGENA
Yes, but that was AFTERWARDS. When she fell into the vat of nickels was when she gained the power to be two people and to change into either of her two personalities.

MELESSE
Isn't that the same as mulitiple personalities? Ya know, being a schitz?

MAGENA
(ignoring MELESSE) Now.

SITH-A-DEX
The Joker. Annika Nesicha. She was the Senshi of Love and Mush when she was pushed into a vat of silly string by Obi-Wan Kenobi after she tried to scare him by wearing a Darth Maul mask. She survived, but as a maniacal killer clown.

MELESSE
From outer space...

MAGENA
Uh... no.

SITH-A-DEX
After that, she gained the power to make people laugh using funny puns, jokes, and feathers.
(MELESSE just rolls her eyes)

MAGENA
Now... who's next. Aha!

SITH-A-DEX
The Catwoman. Mika Kaipi. She was given the power to wear tight pleather, scratch and bite, and be moody and evil one moment and sweet and cuddly the next after falling into a vat of catnip.

MELESSE
(cough) PMS. (cough)

SITH-A-DEX
Reiko Myou. Poison Ivy. She was changed into a killer plant lady after falling into...

MELESSE
Let me guess. A vat of venom and plant-like chemicals?

SITH-A-DEX
The possession of a short man with glasses who works at a low-rate flower store and is in love with a skinny blonde named Audrey. Poison Ivy became mad after the man named her Audrey 2 and went on a rampage of eating humans and other unplant-like organisms. She possesses the power to control plants.

MELESSE
That's interesting...

MAGENA
Let's see who's next.

SITH-A-DEX
Kirin Yukiko. Mrs. Freeze. She was turned into the Sith of Ice when she was put into a vat of healing goo at the Echo base on Hoth and someone left the shield doors open, eventually turning her into a monster of frozen doom.

MELESSE
Just like Ben and Jerry...

MAGENA
You may be able to kick butt, kid, but you're not too right in the head, are you?

MELESSE
What do you mean by that?

NOM
(breaking up the beginnings of a fight) I think there's one more...

SITH-A-DEX
Tashita. The Penguin. No other information available.

(The three exchanged perplexed glances)
(Suddenly something comes crashing through the window, hitting Magena in the head)

MELESSE
What is it? a bomb?

MAGENA
I KNEW I should've sprung for a better security system!

NOM
(picking the object up) Actually, it's the newspaper.

MAGENA
Oh. Lemme see. (takes the paper) (reads the front page) (gasps) Melesse! Look!

MELESSE
"Attention all goody-goody caped Senshi. Come to the Gotham Stadium if you're not chicken! Love - Joker, Catwoman, Mrs. Freeze, Ms. Riddler, Two-face, Poison Ivy, and Penguin." Holy headless cabbages, Magena!

(INT: GOTHAM STADIUM)

(The VILLIANS await the GOOD GUYS) (They are all in their civilian forms)

YUKIKO
Are you SURE they're coming?

ANNIKA
Of course! I put the ad on the front page!

KIJI
The front page!?! Do you realize how much that costs?

ANNIKA
Don't worry, I purchased it in Myou's name.

KIJI
Oh. We're cool with that.

MYOU
Well I'm not! That's my money!

MIKA
Will you two pipe down? Your acting so catty!

YUKIKO
Even powered down you still have to do those CAT-phrases, don't you?

MIKA
What are you talking about?

MARA
Will you shut up! I think I hear them coming.

(Instinctually, the VILLIANS look to the skies, awaiting a grand and spectacular entrance from BATWOMAN and ROBIN)
(The main doors of the stadium open up and BATWOMAN and ROBIN walk in)

ANNIKA
Well well... if it isn't the flying rodent and her side kick, bird brain.

BATWOMAN
Hello Annika, I'm Batwoman.

MARA
That's just the point. You see, you can beat us into a pulp as Batwoman, but can you defeat us as your true identity?

BATWOMAN
I'm Batwoman.

MARA
Yes, we know that! Now, what do you say, hmmm? No powers and no tricks. Or are you chicken?

ROBIN
You've got an obsession with chickens, don't you?

(The two caped SENSHI look between each other, then back at the VILLIANS)

BATWOMAN
Okay... you win.

(BATWOMAN and ROBIN power down, revealing they are actually MAGENA and MELESSE)

YUKIKO
Well, that was easy.

MELESSE
Well, if you had just been polite in the first place instead of trying to rip our masks off, we would've been glad to tell you who we really were.

MAGENA
Okay, let's just this over with.

KIJI
Uh uh, Magena. There's one more thing we have to do before we start.

MAGENA
What?

KIJI
This!
(Out of nowhere, a cord flys at MAGENA and MELESSE and wraps around them, trapping them) (Where the cords came from, we may never know..)
Now... Double team power, make UP!
(in a shower of doubleheaded coins, KIJI is tranformed into TWO-FACE)

MELESSE
Hey! this isn't fair!

MIKA
Who said we were playing fair? Kitty kat power, make UP!
(in a shower of HELLO KITTY stickers MIKA is transformed into CATWOMAN)

ANNIKA
Joking power, make UP!
(in a shower of bazooka bubblegum wrappers, ANNIKA is transformed into JOKER)

MARA
Riddling power, make UP!
(In a shower of question marks, MARA is transformed into MS. RIDDLER)

MYOU
My turn! Plants that are over-oppressed by humans and will soon rise up and claim the world that is rightfully ours power, make UP!
(in a shower of leaves, MYOU is transformed into POISON IVY)

YUKIKO
You've really gotta shorten that. Watch how a true power up is done. Freezing power, make UP!

(in a shower of popcicles YUKIKO is transformed into MRS. FREEZE)

(PENGUIN waddles into the stadium)
PENGUIN
Pen-

POISION IVY
Where have you been?

(PENGUIN is about to say something when MS. RIDDLER cuts her off)

MS. RIDDLER
We don't have time for this!

MRS. FREEZE
(to MAGENA and MELESSE) It's time for you to meet your doom!

MELESSE
Didn't you used to have an accent?

MAGENA
No time for questions, Chibi wonder! It's time to power UP!

(MAGENA and MELESSE try to power up, but when they do they are met with a sharp electric shock)

MAGENA and MELESSE
Yowwwwwwies!

CATWOMAN
Mua ha ha! We came prepared this time. You see, those cords prevent you from transforming.

MAGENA
My Jedi Force Senshi instincts tell me we are in deep trouble...

MELESSE
(gasps sarcastically) No!

MAGENA
I'm afraid so... it looks like it could be the end for...
(dum dum dum music plays)
The caped Senshi!

(the VILLIANS advance slowly)

JOKER
You've got that right. It looks like the JOKE'S on you, Batwoman.

MRS. FREEZE
Time to CHILL out!

CATWOMAN
Looks like your in a real bad PURRdicament!

MS. RIDDLER
What's black and blue and red all over?

POISON IVY
Time to PLANT the SEEDS of your demise!

TWO-FACE
DOUBLE your sentiment! DOUBLE your merriment! DOUBLE your moment of fun!

SCARECROW
HEY Batwoman...

KING TUT
Get ready to meet your TOMB!

HOWDY DOODY It's HOWDY DOODY time, suckas!

M&M'S
We melt in your mouth, not in your hand!

KERMIT
It's not easy being GREEN!

BATMAN
I'm Batman.

CLARIBELL
(honk honk!)

PENNYWISE THE DANCING CLOWN
They all FLOAT down here! And when you're down here with me, YOU'LL FLOAT TOO!

DARTH VADER
I am your father.

(PENGUIN, having become so annoyed with all the catch phrases, starts running around at top speed holding her head)

PENGUIN
Penguin! Penguin! Penguin! PENNNNGUIN!!!

MISTY
Penguin! Use your TAIL WHIP!
(EVERYONE gets a thrashing except for MISTY and PENGUIN)
Now, use your DISABLE!
(EVERYONE becomes paralyzed except for MISTY and PENGUIN)
Now, use your CONFUSION!
(EVERYONE is thrown out of the stadium except for MISTY and PENGUIN)

PENGUIN
Pen?

(MISTY pulls off her mask, revealing she is actually YODA)

YODA
(laughs maniacally)