The Blue of My Oblivion

Leading Annika down the polished walls of the Jedi Temple, Obi-Wan tried desperately to make sense of her. Earlier that morning, he had looked over her medical records and discovered that the medical data pad listed Annika's midichlorian count rather high, so why did she present no Force ability? Sighing, he quietly studied the despondent woman next to him; he knew Annika wasn't the picture of a perfect senshi, but that shouldn't prevent her from hearing the guidance of the Force. Suddenly a thought struck him; like a sunrise after a rainstorm, the theory flooded his mind. If Annika were allowed free and complete use of the Force, she would have the potential to feel the great depths of pain and suffering - something she couldn't handle. It would also present her with visions, perhaps of her own future; the images would haunt her, and she would sacrifice her present to live for her future.

The Force is protecting her by hiding from her, Obi-Wan thought. Yet if she knew how to understand and control a small fraction of it, the Force could be an ally, especially now, in her moment of greatest need. Obi-Wan wisely opted to consult with Master Yoda before telling Annika about her midichlorians and his theories.

They walked further along the hallways, and as their destination grew nearer, Obi-Wan grew nervous. He had never allowed anyone to accompany him to the place he was taking Annika now - not even Anakin. "This is it," he said. With his arms still around Annika's shoulders, he slid the door open; it made a small 'whoosh' noise that echoed into the dark room ahead. Annika hesitated for only the briefest of moments before permitting Obi-Wan to escort her inside.

"Welcome," he smiled, "To the Star-Map Room. This room used to be Qui-Gon's favourite place in the Temple. I come here when I want to relax, and you are the first person I've ever brought with me." Annika took a few steps forward and turned three hundred and sixty degrees, taking in the dimly-lit room. Her eyes were held delightfully captive by the blue-domed ceiling that was filled with detailed maps of thousands of planets. "Is this the entire galaxy?" she asked softly.

"What's known of it? Here, watch," he said reaching his hand up to touch one of the planets. A warm, masculine voice materialised out of nowhere as a hologram of the planet appeared.

"Bakura," the voice said. "A lush blue and green planet in the Outer Rim, noted for its unusual amount of rainfall and addictive Namana fruit exports. The ruling system is made up primarily of the Monarchy, Senate, Council of Elders, and lower governors. The ruling Crown is always worn by a female, and the title of Queen is passed down through heredity. The current ruler of Bakura is Queen Nikana." The voice silenced.

Annika smiled for the first time in weeks, and Obi-Wan's heart leapt; he had made the right decision by bringing her here. This place was almost magical; he could lie for hours staring up at the mini-galaxy and trying to take in the immensity of it all. And now he was attempting to share that part of his life with Annika. He wanted her to feel a sense of purpose, a pride in being a senshi, which he feared she had lost along with Oame.

"I've got a surprise," he smiled. Producing a blue blanket from a wicker basket, he spread it on the floor and motioned for Annika to lie with him. The couple joined hands and gazed at the twinkling ceiling. Annika nestled her head on Obi-Wan's shoulder and sighed.

"I want you to know that I'm sorry for everything," she whispered. "Sorry for hurting you, sorry for betraying you, and sorry for disappointing you."

He tightened his grip on Annika's hand, which rested over his heart, and said, "I would accept that apology had you actually done any of those things of your own free will. Lamia and Akira manipulated you - they kept you prisoner by poisoning your mind against your friends and against me, and they made you fear for your life. Akira put you solidly under his control by tricking you into ingesting his blood... I hold you responsible for nothing."

"But you should. I'm just as much to blame as Lamia. Yes, she was deceitful, but I allowed her to trick me. My emotions were haywire, like I had a short circuit. I didn't know what I wanted out of life. I did feel alone and empty, but instead of trusting you and my friends, I turned my back on you. I could've - no - I should've fought, I was just too afraid. That's why I want to apologise, because I am guilty as well."

The look Obi-Wan had in his eyes as he stared across to Annika was not one of shock. He wasn't stunned that she was admitting her role in her fall and accepting responsibility... he was proud. "Then I accept your apology."

Annika breathed deep and allowed her muscles to ease as she sank further into Obi-Wan's strong, protective grasp. She was filled with inner thoughts - things she should say to Obi-Wan, but she was hesitant, not knowing where to start. A gentle nudge probed her heart, and she just began.

"For a long time, while I was with Lamia," she whispered, "I felt like I was in a daze; a big world of darkness that held no means of escape. But one day, I heard your voice, which was odd because Lamia informed me daily just how much you hated me... and I believed her. So when I heard your voice, calling for me, begging me to come home - I had to find a way. I fought my way out of the deepest corners of despair and agony for you - all so I could find you. You are the light at the end of my tunnel." She waited. "And I knew you would be - I didn't doubt your love. For the first time, I trusted you would love me no matter the circumstances, and I wasn't afraid. I live for you, I breathe each day for you, and my heart beats for you. I am happy because I know you exist; whether you are right next to me, or a million light years away, I am content in the knowledge that you are real."

Obi-Wan blinked back tears and thanked the Force that this woman was in his life. He kissed Annika's hand and said softly in a voice trembling with tears, "I love you so much. We have been together in one form or another since the beginning of Time. You heal my broken heart and erase the darkness in my soul; every day, you fill my grey world with colour - mostly shades of pink." He smiled. Annika laughed for the first time since the miscarriage, causing a tear to creep down Obi-Wan's cheek and splatter to the blanket below. They were still and quiet for a few moments, just revelling in each other's presence.

Annika was reminded of a phrase she had read in an Earth book - "in good times and in bad." Earthian wedding rituals were all about accepting the Light and the Dark that comes with life and Love, knowing personal limitations, and having the courage and the strength to make it through together. As far as she was concerned, she and Obi-Wan were already married. They didn't have any legal papers or gold bands, but they had made it through the good and bad times, and were better for it. "Obi-Wan? May I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

"Can you feel me through the Force?" she asked timidly.

"Indeed I can."

"What do I feel like?"

Raising his eyebrows, he grinned and said, "You're very soft and warm, but very strong. It's an odd connection - you're like a natural extension of myself; it doesn't feel as if you are a different person. You know when you are in a lake, and the water gently rolls into your skin? It helps you keep balanced and feel safe?" Annika nodded.

"It's very similar, except warm and electrifying."

She smiled and watched the reflections of the twinkling planets, stars, and moons as they sparkled in Obi-Wan's wet eyes. They seemed to be dancing to a tuneless waltz, separate but thoroughly dependent upon each other. Annika felt very strange; her thoughts usually never left the shallow end of perception, but lately she had ventured out into deeper territory and found she could stay afloat. It was refreshing, to say the least. She turned her crystalline eyes to face the maps again and thought of her friends, making her heart break. Annika didn't want to face her friends; she couldn't look them in the eye after the hell she dragged them through. "May I stay with you tonight, in your room?" Annika asked urgently.

Without pausing, Obi-Wan answered, "Yes."

"Can we go there now? I'll just need to get a few things from my bedroom first."

Annika knew the Room Behind the Waterfall would be deserted this time of night because most of the senshi would be sleeping, so when she and Obi-Wan walked into the library, they were surprised to see Yuki, Priire, and Chikako standing in a semi-circle around a very large box. It was wrapped in silk tissue paper from Alderaan, with a stunningly intricate pink bow perched on the lid. Annika's heart pounded furiously in her chest; without even seeing the pink card attached to the ribbon, she knew it was for her, and that it was from Kendra. How she knew, she wasn't sure, but a slow fire crept up her legs in smoky tendrils until it threatened to choke her.

With her heartbeat being the only sound she heard, Annika walked over to the box and ripped the lid off. The four walls collapsed to reveal an impressive black bassinet that rocked to and fro. Decorated with expensive black lace and silk and encrusted with diamonds in the shape of the Princess' insignia, a happy lullaby played while the baby's bassinet continued to rock as if a ghostly hand was busy tending to a fussy child. Sounds of crying came from inside, and Annika tore back the lace curtains, then raised up a silver-haired baby doll; its eyes had been gouged out and its mouth sewn shut.

Obi-Wan felt like he had been kicked in the stomach; he knew Kendra was evil, but she was being cruel, more so that her usual self. He watched as Annika violently shook; her breath was ragged and quick and her eyes flashed with fresh fear and sadness. He felt through the Force as she plummeted back into sorrow. Annika glanced at her three friends who looked on in horror. She suddenly felt guilty and embarrassed. The baby doll slipped from her hands, and she ran from the room.

Obi-Wan gritted his teeth and placed his fingers to his temples in an effort to calm himself. Yuki, who was closest to him, was the first to feel the massive sheets of anger coursing from the Jedi in waves. Soon Priire and Chikako felt it too, and upstairs, Xarae was roused from her sound sleep. They all sensed him fighting desperately to find a place of peace, and when he did, it was as if the weight of a boulder was lifted from his shoulders.

"Why would she do something like this?" Chikako wondered, dabbing the tears from her eyes.

"Because she's sick, twisted and sadistic, that's why!" Obi-Wan snapped. Instantly reprimanding himself and apologising to Chikako, he folded his arms and closed his eyes. Seconds later Annika barrelled down the stairs with a pink overnight bag. Priire saw a few pink shirtsleeves and the ears to a plush rabbit sticking out of the opening.

"Where are you going?" the concerned Priire asked. Annika backed away and stood defensively behind Obi-Wan. Kousotsu entered the room holding a whimpering Kleppa, who reached for Annika with her chubby little hands.

Annika buried her face in Obi-Wan's back; she couldn't bear to see the little baby. She tugged Obi-Wan's robe, signalling she was ready to leave, and without saying a word to anyone, she slid out of the door.

Obi-Wan cleared his throat. "She's going to stay with me tonight, and she'll be safe." He turned and followed the same path Annika had taken, and when he shut the door, Yuki kicked the "gift" from Kendra. It tumbled to the floor with a loud crash.

Annika had been having terrible nightmares, and as she lay in Obi-Wan's arms that night, she was having another. She saw her friends; they were snickering and pointing their fingers at her. She felt like she was on trial, and the senshi were the judges. One after another they accused her of being weak, of being a burden, how she would rather hide than fight. Voices came from everywhere, taunting voices.

"She shouldn't even be a senshi!"
"You're such a cry baby!"
"I can't believe I was friends with someone as lowly as you!"

Bolting upright in bed, Annika was panting and sweating. It took her a few minutes to familiarize herself with her surroundings. It was pitch-black in the room, save the few streaks of light left by departing ships. After her eyes became adjusted to the darkness, Annika looked around Obi-Wan's room and sighed. He was so adult. His room was filled with books from all over the galaxy, models of ships and galactic cruisers dangled from the ceiling, and he had stacks of documents and holocrons piled on his desk. Annika walked to the window and looked out. It had rained every day since she had lost Oame; rain had a way of following Annika around, and rainfall had increased on Coruscant since Annika had moved to the city-planet.

The light drizzle slapped against the window, and it chilled Annika's bones. Wrapping her arms around herself, she started back for Obi-Wan's bed when her eye was caught by a silver twinkle. Obi-Wan's lightsaber. It was lying on the bookshelf, just staring at her. Annika picked up the heavy metal weapon and studied it for a moment.

It would be incredibly easy, she thought, incredibly easy to place the deactivated lightsaber in front of her heart and then push the button. Maybe then she wouldn't have nightmares; she could be free of her life, and she could be with Oame again.

Obi-Wan's eyes and ears were alert, but he didn't move a muscle; he had woken the second Annika's hands touched his lightsaber. He closed his eyes and prayed that she wouldn't do what she was thinking, that she would put it back and come to bed.

"I can't run away anymore... not like this," Annika whispered, replacing the weapon on the shelf. She crawled back under the blankets and smiled when Obi-Wan wrapped his arms back around her.

The next morning, Annika watched Obi-Wan get dressed and prepare for his day with Anakin. She had never seen this side of him, and was fascinated. She felt happy as she saw him tuck his pants into his boots and pull a comb across his hair. He clipped his lightsaber to his belt then leaned over to kiss her.

"I'll come by here for lunch, okay?" he smiled.

Annika grinned and nodded her head. She was happier than she had ever been. It was a mature happiness; not the happiness that comes from finding a full bowl of candy or from beating a difficult level in a video game - it was an adult happiness. Annika knew that this was the life she wanted. She wanted to be in Obi-Wan's room, taking care of him, helping him with problems, sharing his life. She felt grown-up and able to handle anything... as long as they were together.

A small flutter in her abdomen reminded Annika of Oame, whose spirit still remained inside her body. The flutters didn't stop for several minutes. Stop moving, please stop moving, Annika implored the little one. Finally the movements ceased, and Annika breathed a sigh of relief. She couldn't handle knowing that her baby was still in there, and being reminded of it was heartbreaking.

A knock came to the door, taking Annika's mind away from Oame. She smiled and then hopped out of bed. Obi-Wan must've forgotten something, she thought. Throwing the door open, her smile melted as she saw the warm, caring eyes of Xarae Sarin.

"May I come in?" Xarae asked.

"I'm busy now, Xarae - maybe another time," Annika said as she tried to close the door, but Xarae looked so sincere that Annika couldn't shut the door in her face. "I guess you can come in for a few minutes."

Xarae walked into Obi-Wan's room and was taken aback by the sheer simplicity of it. She was also surprised at how comfortable and at home Annika looked. Yet, she also sensed a sadly familiar pain that clawed at Annika's heart. There was no easy way to talk about tragedy - one just had to start - so Xarae sat down in a chair and began to talk. "I know how you feel, Annika. I know about the nightmares, and the fear, and the confusion." Xarae watched intently as Annika's posture stiffened.

"That's ridiculous, Xarae. I'm perfectly fine. I'm over it."

"Somehow I don't believe that's true. You need someone to talk to, Annika. Someone who understands the pain you feel. I had a miscarriage too. It was a long time ago - in a former life - and you never forget that pain, that overwhelming agony that accompanies something like this." Softening to Xarae's words, Annika sat on the bed and looked at, gazed at the older woman. It made sense that Xarae would have insight into the situation, and Annika felt terrible for forgetting about Xarae's past. The Senshi of Death and Children sighed and looked at her hands. "I'm so sorry that this is what we have in common. Of all things... to share... this...

"I won't insult you by saying it was the will of some God, or Fate, or the Force. I know that there is no answer or explanation that will make things better. However, talking about it, about your feelings, will ease the pain."

Annika was more than resistant to talk. She felt embarrassed and ashamed. The longer she gazed into Xarae's eyes, the more comfortable Annika became, and she suddenly wanted to share. "I feel," she said, "I feel like I'm not a woman. I couldn't do the one thing that human females should be able to do. I couldn't protect my child! I couldn't do anything, even if I wanted to. I have never felt more helpless in my entire life. And," Annika said, the temperature of her voice rising, "to add an extra amount of suffering, I am forced to carry her soul in my body. I am reminded every day that she is still in there. But, I don't get ten little fingers, ten little toes, and rosy cheeks; all I get is a dead baby!" Annika let her chin fall to her chest as the tears rolled down her face. Xarae got up and sat next to Annika.

"I know it's not fair, and I still grieve for my lost children -"

Annika stood and folded her arms. "That's something else... I know that Ame is dead in the future. I don't know how I know... but I do..." Annika dropped to her knees and sobbed. "Why did this happen to me? Why do I lose one child before I even got the chance to hold her, and then lose another child after I've loved her for years? What did I do to deserve this?"

Xarae threw her arms around Annika's shoulders and cried with her. When they touched, Xarae felt something coursing mildly through the other girl's veins. "Annika," Xarae asked, "How do you know about Ame?"

"I don't know." She sniffled. "It's just a feeling, but I know it's true. Lately, I've been getting these feelings... like I know what's going to happen. It doesn't happen all the time, just occasionally... like water rolling into my skin," she whispered.

"What?" Xarae asked, not hearing what Annika said.

"Nothing, it's not important," Annika said thoughtfully - she had something to talk to Obi-Wan about later.

"You were right, Xarae. I do feel better."

"Are you going to stay here again tonight?"

"I think so, I'm going to ask Obi-Wan later. Actually, I'd like to stay here forever."

"You're not coming back to the Room Behind the Waterfall?"

"No, I don't want to. I can't face the other senshi. Not right now."

"Okay."

Annika smiled at Xarae's depth of understanding; it seemed endless. "May I talk to you again sometime... about this?"

"Anytime."