The Lost Melody

"Five... four..."

I wonder where he went to...?

"Three... TWO..."

"Be-" Magena Ryo stopped short in the kitchen doorway before falling back completely and ducking out of view.

"ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!"

Magena's face held a puzzled and complex expression of alternating anxiety and curiosity as she watched Benjamin Sywalker lightly kiss the fair face of Kirin Yukiko. Suddenly, the blue-haired girl backed away in utter surpise and confusion and dashed away. Ben was left... looking rather dissappointed.

Magena felt the heat rise in her cheeks. For a moment... she felt as though she were looking in onto a tender moment shared between two eternal lovers... something she had no right to be seeing.

She slowly stepped away from the door, her cheeks still flushed, her mind a little muddled... Ben had seemed so happy... both of them had seemed so perfect...

Magena?

The familiar "voice" of Melesse pierced Magena's thoughts, for the moment. Magena turned to the little brown-haired, brown-eyed girl. "Melesse! Shouldn't you be asleep?"

But it's the New Year! Melesse said with a smile. I wanted to stay up!

Magena forced a smile to her face. "Well... a dancer needs her sleep, you know. Go... go upstairs, and get some rest, okay?" She brushed at Melesse's whispy bangs. The little girl looked at her with a probing glance.

Are you okay, Momma?

Magena blanched. She would never get used to being addressed like that, she figured... or was it....

"I'm fine... why?"

Melesse stared at her with those ever-bright brown eyes before nodding once. I was just wondering. 'Night! She hugged her mother around the waist once before bounding off gracefully for her room upstairs. Magena took in a deep breath.... she figured she should go after her.... but she couldn't sleep now... not if she tried.

The other girls (and various Jedi, boyfriends and aquaintances) were all still awake, still partying. Magena felt no desire to join them... not now. She wandered out to the Room of a Thousand Waterfalls, sat on the edge of one pond.... and pondered.

Somehow... she had known this was coming... it wasn't very hard to pick up on, she supposed. Ben and Yuki had become the underground topic of almost everyone in the Room. Of course, it was attempted to keep it hidden from Magena... but it had failed. It was becoming a tad obvious now. Magena didn't pay it too much attention, at first... and even now, it didn't seem like it was wrong.

So odd, it didn't feel like it was wrong. In fact... in a way... she was almost happy for Ben and Yukiko.

So what in the name of the Force did THAT mean??

Magena Ryo did not go to sleep that night... not until she did some serious thinking...

"Aitai na aenai na setsunai na kono kimochi..." A small group of senshi sat around the room, listening to little Chakra Ramahoshi sing a song she had learned in Japanese and was extremely proud of. Among them were Sutaru and Nom. Suta was bobbing her head to the tune, and Nom was looking at her daughter with an expression of fond delight.

The Room Behind the Waterfall was fairly quiet that afternoon, naturally. Everyone was rather tired. Girls sat and chatted, most were relaxing, a few were out and about, mostly the chibis. Magena, who had retired at four that morning and slept until about ten minutes ago (restlessly, no less), went into the Room and looked about, feeling like an aimless wanderer. She decided to go for a walk... no use bieng idle...

Ciel and Chouko were sitting nearby. "And it was so CUTE," Ceil was saying, animatedly. "Ben BLUSHED when he looked at her.... I could barely - oh!" Magena walked by them, her eyes averted. Ciel tried to cover.

"Oh, hi Magena! Sleep late?"

Magena paused and looked at them. "Yeah... yeah, I guess I did."

"Going for a walk?" asked Chouko.

"Um-hm... I'll see you guys later... oh, and one thing-" She gave them a sad smile. "They are cute... aren't they?"

Ciel and Chouko exchanged wide-eyed suprised looks and went to explain-

Only Magena had already left.

Ben sat in the gardens at the Jedi Temple, eyes closed, stretched out on the lawn. If one didn't know any better, they'd say he was meditating. If they did, they would know that he was trying to push from his mind the sense of confusion and doubt that had plauged him for awhile now, concerning two women whom he cared about a lot...

He opened his eyes, slowly. Kirin Yukiko and Magena Ryo. Both of them meant so much...

Ben thought, for a moment, on Magena Ryo, the silver-haired dancer-senshi who had been his girlfriend for a few months now. At first... at first it seemed like nothing mattered but her. It was fun... but...

But. But, but, but.

Things changed, Ben thought. After a month or two... they had ceased to become what could be defined as a "couple" and became... well... more like two best friends, goofing off and talking late and hanging out. Ben lost his attraction to Magena in a physical sense. She didn't seem to be put out by the fact that they never cuddled or kissed much anymore... and she didn't stir in him the same feelings that she did when he first met her.

He loved her. But it was like a brotherly love. He couldn't help it, but he just didn't feel the same way about her anymore.

And Yuki...

Whenever he looked at her, his insides gave an involuntary jump. Something about her... perhaps it was love... he couldn't tell yet... but he wanted to find out...

A sigh escaped him. Oh, boy... what now...

"Hey."

Ben jumped a mile when he heard the familiar voice of Magena Ryo behind him. He looked up at her, forcing a grin. "Oh, hi...."

She smiled back. It looked just as forced. "I thought I might find you here."

"Really?"

"Yeah... it's funny, you know..." She sat down next to him. "It seems like whenever you need to find a person, you just look in the spot where you figure they'll be... and there they are... but... when you look for something inside a person... sometimes you go in the absolute wrong direction."

Ben froze. What did that mean?? His mouth moved, but no words came out for a moment, a moment of long silence. He didn't want to say what he was going to say next... but his friend was troubled, and so was he.... and it was for the same reason, so why the heck were they sitting here saying nothing??

Ben breathed deeply before rubbing Magena's arm, and saying, "So, Gena... what's on your mind?"

Magena turned to him and looked at him for a moment. "Ben..." she started. "There is no 'us' anymore. Not like it was." This was a single, fluid, declarative sentence, not a question... and she said it with all the calm in the world.

Ben stared at her for a moment, amazed at the directness with which she approached the topic. After a silence that seemed to answer the question on its own, Ben let out a long breath and shook his head. "No. There isn't."

Magena nodded once, looking straight ahead. "I guess everything has just been building to this, concerning 'us', huh?"

"Well... we did go into this knowing that Melesse wasn't mine," Ben said, studying her profile. "We knew."

"We did," Magena agreed. There was a pause, then she put on a small smile mingled with a puzzled frown. "You know, it's funny... and this is going to sound horrible, but... I'm not that upset." She looked at him now, still wearing that frown of half-confusion, half-amusement.

"I know... I'm not either," Ben said. "What does that mean?"

Magena smiled. "We're doing the right thing."

"Oh, I see." Ben grinned back.

"Isn't this funny?" Magena said, looking up at the sky now. "THis is probably the smoothest breakup I've ever been through." She leaned back on her elbows. "It's like some huge weight has been lifted... some tension cut..."

"Tell me about it," Ben said, expelling another sigh. He was immensely releived that Magena felt the same way. This made everything just fine... for he would hate to hurt her, hate it if she -

"Gena?" he said quite suddenly.

"Yeah?"

"Look... I know we're not together, and I know that's the right thing, but... I don't want to lose you."

She blinked at him, trying to comprehend. Ben tried again to convey what he meant.

"I mean - you're like my best friend, Gena." He smiled. "I can tell you anything, or just goof off... and you understand me, you know?"

Magena smiled brightly. "Oh, Ben, I know! I'm not going to excommunicate you or anything. Heck, we've been 'just best friends' for months now. It'll really be no different."

Again, sweet relief swept over the both of them. Ben leaned back on his elbows now, too. "It's been fun, I think."

"It will still be fun."

"Remember the night," said Ben, going off on nostalgia, "we stayed up all night playing video games-"

"And making ruby bliels!"

"And watching holovids..."

"Everyone went to bed and we just kept talking..." Magena grinned. "It was like six in the morning before we crashed."

Ben chuckled, then thought for a moment. "You told me about your mom that night."

Magena paused at the mention of her desceased mother. She put on a tiny, rueful smile, then added: "And you told me about your dream... to be a great Jedi."

"I have a confession to make," Ben said, putting on a horribly serious face.

"What?"

"That night, when I kissd you goodnight... it felt like kissing my sister."

"Funny, I thought of my cousin, Japolo."

This sent them into laughter, realizing all at once that this was never meant to be, and yet that was the best news either of them could think of at the moment.

Magena punched his shoulder lightly. "Oh, I love ya kid... just not like that, you know?"

"Amen."

"So."

"So..."

"Yukiko."

"Oh boy..."

"Hey, hey, hey..." Magena said. "We just got through the whole 'I can tell you anything' schpiel, so come on! What's up?"

Ben shrugged. "Nothing really."

"Last night wasn't anything?" Magena asked, eyebrows raised.

Ben went bright red, which made Magena grin. "You SAW that? Is THAT what brought this on?"

"More or less." She sat up. "So tell me! Waht's going on with you guys?"

"Well... it's like..." Ben searched for the words. "It's like I know her... when I look at her, I can't get her out of my mind for days after." He looked a little sheepish, talking about Yuki with his two-minute-old ex-girlfriend. But Magena wasn't rattled, only interested.

"Go on," she urged.

"I don't know... but... I want to get to know her, Gena. I want to... to be... geez, I've never had to deal with anything so ineffable in my life." Ben grinned and glanced up at the sky. "It's like I've been on a search... and I've found what I've been looking for... right there in front of me."

Magena Ryo felt something well up within her as she listened to Ben's words. An ache, a longing... she wanted to feel that way... unbidden tears rose to her eyes, one spilled onto her cheek. She hastily brushed it away.

Ben noticed, however, and panicked. "Oh, Gena... what's wrong, did I-"

"No, no... Ben, it's okay... it's just I've never heard anyone describe anything so beautiful... you're lucky."

Ben squeezed her shoulder. "You will be too. One day, you will be too."

"Good salad, Kyoko!" said Zyta, with a mouth full of lettuce.

"You like?" asked the blue haired woman.

"Definitely!" added Annika. "It's great!"

Kyoko looked happily embarrassed as she watched Zyta, Annika, Xarae and Ippin enjoy the Alderaanian salad she had whipped up for lunch. A moment later, Magena came into the kitchen, holding a tote bag on her shoulder, dressed in loose black dress pants and a leotard.

"Hey girls," she said.

"Hey, Magena," Zyta said.

"Hi," smiled Kyoko and Xarae.

"How're you feeling?" asked the ever-emphatic Annika, the others looking at Magena now with mild concern.

It had only been a week since Magena and Ben had "broken up", and once word got around to everyone, the girls had offered both sides all of the condolence and support they thought the two would need... but Ben and Magena kept insisting that everything was fine, and no one should worry - Magena did especially - whether or not it was true-

Still, the questions of "Are you all right?" and "How are you feeling?" had been omnipresent for the past week despite everything Magena said.

"I'm okay, guys, really!" said Magena, though she was beginning to question her 'fineness' lately...

Annika smiled. Xarae seemed to be studying her. Nervous under the woman's gentle, probing stare, Magena smiled nervously and grabbed a bottle of water. "Well, I'm off!" she said quickly.

"To class?" asked Zyta.

"Yeah. We have to get in a few more rehearsals before the performance." Magena, being unable to tour anymore with the Spiral Wind touring company, went back to the Spiral Wind Theater - the main academy from which the touring company was based. Magena happily resumed her work as a principal dancer for the company. A performance of "Ipithole", a popular Coruscantian ballet based on an ancient myth, was being staged, and Magena got the lead. It was sort of a "welcome back" gift from her instructors.

"Have fun!" Ippin said with a grin.

"Thanks - oh, by the way, if you see Melesse, tell her to work on her variation. Her auditions for SWT are coming up soon," Magena said.

"Sure," said Xarae.

"Magena-" began Kyoko, looking a little worried.

"I'm fine, really," Magena insisted. "I swear."

"All right," said Kyoko. "See you later."

Magena walked out of the room... and once out of sight of the other girls, furrowed her brow in anxiety. They could see right through her... stupid Force sense... it made her like an open book. Magena pushed back the sense of void that had consumed her for the past couple of days, trying with all of her might to focus on the day...

The girls, despite Magena's insistence, knew something was wrong. "Do you guys get the feeling like she's not telling us something?" asked Ippin after a moment or two.

"Guys, don't gossip..." Annika said, blushing. "She's just upset, that's all."

"It's not gossip, Anni-chan," said Zyta. "We're just worried. She seems to be taking the breakup pretty hard."

"She's upset," said Xarae quietly. "But it's not about Ben."

Kyoko looked surprised. "No?"

"No. Can't you feel it? He's not in her thoughts. She's..." Xarae paused for a second, thinking. "She's searching. And it's best if we left it alone... until she finds what she's looking for."

The pas de duex was going roughly, and Kaltes was not very happy at the moment. He had worked with Magena Ryo once before, and he remembered it vividly - her timing was precise, her movements lyrical, her dancing alive and electric.

Now - God, what happened?

Every movement was laced with uncertainty. He tried desperately to compensate, but the whole thing looked amateur and horrible, for lack of a better word. Coming down of her relevee she looked heavy, her cinq was soft, and she was floundering.

Keep going, Kaltes told himself. Try to bring it all together...

It was time for the move, the move that would have the audience breathless and in awe. After a sharp chord, the main ballerina was to go into a stunning leap into her partner's arms and perform a turn - the trick was, the turn was executed after she was caught. The effect was that almost of magic, illusion... the audience wouldn't be sure if they had seen right, and they'd be wowed.

What would make the move even more spectacular was that Magena Ryo was one of the few dancers who could execute a triple turn after the catch. When Kaltes had partnered her for the first time with this particular variation, she had warned him of what she'd be doing - he was nearly bowled over by the speed with which she whipped herself around in his arms. The rest of the company who watched that day had been absolutely amazed.

Magena pas de bourree'd into position, took a small run, leapt... was caught... and could barely punch out a single.

Kaltes set her down and, after a long, terrible moment, halted and dismissed the pianist. Magena stood across from him, her eyes closed and her head reeling. The two were alone with a click of the door closing, the pianist having gathered his things and left. Kaltes was almost afraid to confront her...

"Magena... one bad day can happen to anyone," he said in his softest voice.

"Oh, like hell, Kaltes!" Magena snapped, utterly frustrated. "I've been like this all week!" She stormed over to her bag and ripped out a shirt.

"Whoa, honey! Take it easy... I was just-"

"I know... I know," said Magena, gentler now. "I'm sorry."

"It's all right... now what's wrong?"

"I don't know..."

"Well, you're getting me worried, sweetheart. Just four rehearsals ago you had this thing nailed. But it's going downhill... and gaining speed."

"Maybe I've just been practicing too hard," Magena offered, not looking up at him. "I'll... I'll fix it, Kaltes. I will."

"You told me that last time we were here." Kaltes frowned. "Do you want to-"

"No! No, thanks. I'll have it by next practice."

"Magena-"

"I'll have it, Kaltes. Let's just forget about today, okay?" Magena pleaded. Kaltes didn't seem to want to accept that answer, but he sighed resignedly and went for his bag.

"All right, honey. Whatever you say. I just hope whatever's eating you isn't about some guy. 'Cause I've never met one worth a damn... or a dance."

Magena watched him let himself out, leaving her by herself in the screaming silence of the studio. She turned to her reflection, studying herself in the mirror, asking herself ten dozen questions that were no help in focusing her thoughts.

She had thought everything was okay. Ben and she were never meant to be... and she was happy with that.

Then why was she so miserable?

Magena shook her head once and tried to hear the music in her mind, blocking out all else except this pas de duex. She went into position, waiting for the invisible beat... she began en pointe. Plie, turn, leap into arabesque, damn too slow! She couldn't build enough tension to hold it.

An arabesque! One of the simplest moves in ballet!

"No!" Magena cried. "Again!" En pointe, plie, turn, leap - wobble... stumble...

Magena stood, tears filling her blue eyes. "What's wrong? Why can't I do it... why can't I feel it anymore?!"

It's like I'm on a search... and I've found just what I've been looking for, right there in front of me...

She walked slowly towards the mirror, Ben's words echoing in her mind. We are all on a search, Magena thought, despondently. Ben has found what he has been looking for... and I'm still alone. I'll never feel that way. I want... I want to meet the person who will fill this void inside of me.

Magena leaned her head against the mirror, eyes closed, still crying, silently. Gradually, an image of Melesse filled her mind.

Oh, Momma! Look! On a walk one day, Melesse had pointed eagerly at something off in the distance, a huge smile on her face.

A Kora tree! Melesse cried. We have one just like it at home, on Mimban!

It's my favorite place to sit on nice days, Melesse had gone on. It's been there a long time... Daddy and you both even carved your initials in it! It's so pretty...

Magena almost winced at the memory. Who is he, Melesse?

How she wanted to see a comforting face that would take away this feeling. A feeling she couldn't shake, that was taking away the one vital, integral part of who she was, what she had worked so hard and so long to achieve... being a dancer. Her ability to feel the music in her body and create through dance was vanishing.

Abruptly, Magena's eyes snapped open and she backed away from the mirror, ashamed and horrified at what she saw in its reflection. She turned away, cheeks still wet with tears...

And ran.

Kirin Yukiko stepped into the Room of a Thousand Waterfalls, looking rather distant and preoccupied. She wandered from fall to fall, slowly, aimlessly, in circles... listening to the sound of the water as it tumbled to the pools below. Eventually, she stooped in front of one of the smaller ones and sat.

Though she hadn't had the time to sit and talk to Ben or Magena this past week, Yukiko had heard of their breakup. It had sent an electric shock through her stomach that was difficult to describe. Though her feelings for Ben were very deep... and she imagined she'd be at least somewhat relieved, in a way, that they broke up... instead she felt guilt-riddled and horrible.

She'd kissed Ben only the night before... and broke up a pairing because of it.

But, Yuki tried reasoning. The kiss was mutual... But that only led to the awful, truthful answer of Exactly.

She was not that kind of girl. Oh, how Magena must hate her! How could she DO this? She wanted Ben, yes, as much as she was afraid to admit it... but not under these circumstances. She felt responsible for what happened...

"Nice going, Yuki," said the blue haired girl to herself miserably. "Nice going..."

BAM!

Yukiko's head shot up, and she gasped slightly in surprise as she heard something slam off a ways. A second later, Magena Ryo came running in, crying. She threw her bag aside and slammed a fist at the nearest wall, leaning against it, her head against her arm. Yukiko watched in guilty horror. What had she done?

Magena hugged her shoulders, shedding tears, looking rather pale in her dance attire. Yuki hesitantly got up... and very carefully, approached her.

"Magena?"

"Wha-?" Magena looked up. "Oh, oh! Yukiko..." She fiercely tried to control her crying at the sight of Yuki, quickly wiping tears from her eyes and cheeks. "H-hi... what are you doing here?"

"I was just walking, and I..." Yuki trailed off, staring at Magena's desperate attempts to cover how she was feeling... and suddenly, she couldn't hold it in anymore. She walked toward Magena, closer now. "Oh God, Magena, I'm so sorry!"

"What?"

"I want you to know, I would never EVER do anything that would cause you and Ben to break up! What happened was a mistake! I never meant for this to happen!" Yukiko cried emotionally.

Magena blinked, confused. "Yuki-"

"I feel so horrible about this... I know how upset you are," Yuki went on. "And I would be, if I were you!" She put one hand to her face, closing her eyes in shame. "Oh, I'm so sorry, I've made such a mess..."

"Yuki!" Magena said. "You've got it all wrong!"

"Wh... what?"

Magena managed to smile at the other woman. "Yuki, I'm not mad at you at all! Not even in the slightest. Look - no matter what everyone wants to believe, I have been telling the truth when I said that I am not upset about breaking up with Ben." Magena met Yuki's eyes. "Ben is my best friend. He always will be. And I am perfectly fine with that fact. That's all I want from him. And I will be happy for him... and whoever he decides to give his love to."

Yuki went bright red, her blue eyes widening in shock. "Oh, no... I-he-not me, at all, Magena-I..." She paused. "You really are serious, aren't you?"

Magena nodded. "Yes."

Yuki exhaled. "Oh... thank God... I... I was just so afraid that I had done something to... I never would have forgiven myself..."

"It's okay." Magena rubbed her hand on Yuki's arm once. "No harm done." She started off, but Yuki, after a brief second, stopped her.

"Wait, though... Magena, if you're not upset about that... what's going on?"

Magena shook her head. "Nothing."

"Magena..."

She hesitated; then everything that had been building within her was set free. What was the point of holding it back, it was only going to eat her alive, anyway... "Yuki, I don't know, I don't know! I don't know why I feel this way, so helplessly alone!"

"Alone?" Yukiko asked. "Why would you feel alone? You have all of the girls here, and Melesse-"

"Not that kind of alone," Magena said.

"Ohh," Yukiko said slowly, in realization of what Magena meant. "I see. But... Magena, you shouldn't feel alone... I mean... you already know that you have a daughter in the future... and... that must mean that-"

"There's more than one way to get a child, Yukiko," Magena said. "What if... what if he's not the one... who I'm meant to love..."

"Magena!" Yuki furrowed her brow in concern and surprise. "Don't say that! After all, doesn't Melesse mention her father to you?"

Magena paused. "Well... yeah, I guess..."

"And doesn't she imply that you're together?"

Magena looked at her with a saddened expression. "Yes... but... Yuki, I need something more than that. I mean, I love Melesse more than anything else in this world, believe me... but simply hearing her talk about her father... doesn't make me believe it's real... I hardly believe she's real sometimes..."

Yuki smiled, softly. "Magena... she's real... and she's a signal of things to come..."

"But I don't want 'things to come', I... I want to know now who I love, I want to just.... just be..." Magena started to cry again and was quite angry with herself. She smiled bitterly. "Look at me. I was always one of those people who vowed NEVER to cry over boys I knew... well, I guess I'm not doing that... instead I'm crying over a boy I haven't even met yet."

Yukiko went to Magena and put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Magena... look... don't think of it as having to search deseparately for someone out there... instead... think of it as knowing that someone is waiting for you. Someone out there is waiting to meet you just as much as you are him..."

Magena looked at Yuki with a strange mix of realization and wonder as the blue-haired girl went off, almost seamlessly, in her speech.

"So you may not meet him for months... maybe even years, it's the truth, but - the fact is you will meet him. And one day, you'll be very happy. Until then, you have all the time in the world to do what you want to do..."

"Like dance," said Magena softly.

"Yes..." Yuki smiled. "Cheer up, Magena... don't rush it."

Magena took in a slow, deep breath and exhaled. "You're right. Don't rush it. I... I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else..."

"Sometimes that's all it takes."

Magena grinned and hugged Yuki, thanking her. The other woman, satisfied that all was right again and glad she could be of a little help, went back to the Room behind the Waterfall with a much lighter heart than when she had previously come out of it. Magena Ryo stood alone again, looking into a clear pool.

What she saw there was... someone a little different than what she had previously been. Someone... a little happier, a little more content...

Someone's waiting for me... said Magena to herself. Someone's on a search for their lost melody too, and one day... we'll both find it.

Suddenly, and without effort, Magena executed a triple pirouette on the spot.

"Is that... Magena?"

"What did she do to her hair?"

"It looks great!"

Whispered comments came floating through the seats as some of the girls sat watching Magena's primere a week later. The silver-haired woman had come on the stage, her once full, shoulder-length hair cut now to a stylish, layered, volumized cut, looking very flowing and very wispy. The girls could hardly believe it. She looked like a whole new person.

And in a very real sense, she was. Magena could now look forward without looking lost. For once, she was happy with what she was doing. The void would be filled. Her life would go on.

And the music would always be with her, the melody turning into harmony in time.